I am who I am, yet not real!

Reality is not real, presence is not present, humanity is not human... Absolutely nothing seems real for me, no matter how much I say it or try to justify, it is still not real. Even rereading my own blog I feel like I am reading someones else. Like my body and soul exists, lives here and now, but my mind seems so distant that I can clearly see myself living and throwing away my life in front of myself. Literally I can visualize it so good that it looks like the only real thing in the world. I don't feel emotions the same way, I have sharp senses, but at the same time I don't feel anything; seems like another me in me. I am numb to the world, yet I absorb each emotion form others (mostly pain) and I can feel it as it is happening to me, even though I have never interfered with that kind of situation.
I have inappropriate reactions to certain situations such as laughing excessively  about having a mental illness or death. I can honestly say I am numb to death. I don't find the idea of death that terrifying anymore, more like it became my every day conversation keeper. Or demons, Satan. I don't worship it, but I find it funny to talk about and I get these urges to see demons, to be possessed and go through that horrible fear... I have been such a fan of horror, but never as much as now. I am so close to open myself and let it in...
And to demonstrate how my thoughts changes, I just came to an idea that it's musics and medias fault that I think that way, it is just trying to corrupt me and go to the dark side, and yes, I am letting it to take me there, cause it's more interesting and fun! Yet I still have that angel that is telling me it is wrong. But what is not wrong in this world...
Since I mentioned media, I do not like it. I don't watch TV, news, don't listen to radio because I fear that they will steal my thoughts and implant ideas in my head. All I can go with is internet, even then I try not to read much on internet, just like the social networks and etc. And MUSIC. Music is such a high priority in my life that I cannot go a day without it. I start shaking and I feel uncomfortable if I can't listen to music for long.
Once again, I enjoy all this messed up crap too much..