2013 m. gegužės 27 d., pirmadienis

maybe I should be locked up in coocoo house...

So I will start from simple things and continue to more difficult. I can't concentrate in classes, I listen, but after bell rings I forget everything. Last year I had such a good memory. It seems like I am completely different person. Then I try to do my homework but when I come home I never complete them, I just can't touch books anymore, I become inpatient and frustrated if I try to do homework, my heart beats harder and each time I experience this I get scared of doing homework, like a fear or phobia. Then I have no motivation about anything, I can't find happiness or joy in anything I do anymore. Even animals, the only thing I was so passionate about, no longer is my biggest interest. I am anxious and depressed, I am very dependent on other people but at the same time I am very avoidant. I can't keep any relationship going, neither with significant other or friends. Everyone pushes me away, everyone just keeps their own business and lives their life. But how about me? How can I feel belonged somewhere if no one will accept me... It seems like everyone already created their lifes and I am too late to enter any other persons life... I hate people at the same time because they are cruel, but I can't go without them either, I want to be isolated but still go out... I am so confused. I also don't want to live, I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself. I would be happy to just disappear. I also believe in stuff that creeps other people, my own old friends judges me for how I chose to live and what I do and etc. I just don't see point anymore in trying.. I don't feel belonged in my own family either. It looks like no one understands either.
I am supper paranoid too, I though I might have paranoid schizophrenia but it's more likely I have anxiety and depression problems... I also thought I might be bipolar but I am not an angry person. I get irritated by others badly, but not angry, I have good control in keeping the anger inside. Also if I start facing any drama or argument or other people trying to tell me their problems I run away, literally I walk away, I can't handle it. And I always said I see things differently, I feel everything differently, I live in different world and since it's different world, I feel lonely, because I am alone in it. NO one understands how I feel.. I can't explain myself properly either. I always have two or multiple opinions about everything. My speech becomes more and more disorganized, more unclear, it's harder for me to explain simple things. And I am organizer, I am a freak of organizing things, so when I cannot think organized I get frustrated and I get mental break downs, I cannot handle it. I have sleep disturbances, such as, sleep paralysis, night terrors, maybe lucid dreaming and etc. I have it at least once twice a month, and I don't sleep a lot. 6h sleep is my normal sleep dose, I can be completely fine if I sleep 4h, sometimes 2h sleep will be fine too. I don't require too much anymore. I don't follow normal hygiene routine either. I don't shower sometimes for 3 days and don't brush my teeth either.. Some people say oh it's fine, it's normal, nothing to worry about. But they have no idea how difficult it is for me... Simple things for me looks like the most difficult tasks...
Plus I love attention, I do crazy stuff such as going insane with friends and so on but sometimes I hate attention... Like it looks everything double with me, but I know I don't have multiple personality disorder because my personality never changes, just the thoughts and ideas. I like to plan stuff ahead but don't do anything at the moment to achieve it. Like I always look up what my mark should be in grade 12 to get into university but I do nothing to improve my current one. I am just exhausted by all this confusing stuff in my head.. I want it to end.. I expect that psychologist will help me, that medication will change everything, but I know it's not true, I have to also help myself, but I do not know how.. I just can't function in life by myself, I need someone by my side to guide me..

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