I am who I am, yet not real!

Reality is not real, presence is not present, humanity is not human... Absolutely nothing seems real for me, no matter how much I say it or try to justify, it is still not real. Even rereading my own blog I feel like I am reading someones else. Like my body and soul exists, lives here and now, but my mind seems so distant that I can clearly see myself living and throwing away my life in front of myself. Literally I can visualize it so good that it looks like the only real thing in the world. I don't feel emotions the same way, I have sharp senses, but at the same time I don't feel anything; seems like another me in me. I am numb to the world, yet I absorb each emotion form others (mostly pain) and I can feel it as it is happening to me, even though I have never interfered with that kind of situation.
I have inappropriate reactions to certain situations such as laughing excessively  about having a mental illness or death. I can honestly say I am numb to death. I don't find the idea of death that terrifying anymore, more like it became my every day conversation keeper. Or demons, Satan. I don't worship it, but I find it funny to talk about and I get these urges to see demons, to be possessed and go through that horrible fear... I have been such a fan of horror, but never as much as now. I am so close to open myself and let it in...
And to demonstrate how my thoughts changes, I just came to an idea that it's musics and medias fault that I think that way, it is just trying to corrupt me and go to the dark side, and yes, I am letting it to take me there, cause it's more interesting and fun! Yet I still have that angel that is telling me it is wrong. But what is not wrong in this world...
Since I mentioned media, I do not like it. I don't watch TV, news, don't listen to radio because I fear that they will steal my thoughts and implant ideas in my head. All I can go with is internet, even then I try not to read much on internet, just like the social networks and etc. And MUSIC. Music is such a high priority in my life that I cannot go a day without it. I start shaking and I feel uncomfortable if I can't listen to music for long.
Once again, I enjoy all this messed up crap too much..

don't talk about me without my permission

Hi, I am Dove, well Dovile is my full name... Honestly, friends that I had before doesn't know me at all, and friends that I have right now knows me too much, yet probably not at all... I am not two faced, I don't lie, I am just messed up in a head badly. I can look at it as a good thing, it makes me be me; makes me be special in my own way. I tend to freak out about things I interact with the first time, I tend to seem judgmental, but honestly, I deeply don't give a shit and I don't care how someone lives, it's you own fucking life! I tend to exaggerated everything and at the same time look at it like it's nothing... I always have two or even multiple opinions about every single theme I talk about. I have been through so much which made me how I am right now, even if I say I had and have boring life and nothing actually bad happened to me, I don't mean it, or more like I don't understand that I have been through it at all... I think I am special, but at the same time like nothing in this world... All I am interested about is something that, according to "normal" society do not exist. NOTHING is normal haha! To most people I seem freaky, weird, mentally crazy, but that's how I am shitheads! That's how I live... If you don't like that, I don't care, just don't talk to me then, I have friends who accept me for who I am. And even now, this says nothing how I really am. It's hard to describe how I see world, it would be amazing if someone who does not understand me would just be me for one day and realize that it's awesome to feel how I feel, yet it's depressing and exhausting; it's exhausting to be me, go through same shit each day and feel like it 24/7. But I got used to it. So if you think you can handle me, you are wrong.. It is hard for me to deal with myself, and mostly I can't handle it. When I experience manic attack and go from being frustrated to being completely anxious to horribly paranoid, to finally like out of this world, that is when I can't handle myself and my mind. I stopped caring too much about others who does not care about me, and I am not telling a lie, because there is another side to this, such as, I care about everything all the time, I feel all emotions, yet I can feel none. And that is how I live everyday. I don't have patience with most of the things, I have irritating OCD's and I always think there is something wrong with me. And don't tell me there isn't, because I will not change my beliefs, even if I say it makes sense. I can agree and disagree with everything at the same time, cause I am complete center in everything. People say there is no center between the left wing and the right wing, the left brain thinkers, and right brain thinkers. Well guess what, I am center... I don't like when people say I am completely normal, and it is just a teenager phase or what ever.. IT IS NOT, you dumbass! I felt like this form my early child days, I had to grow up early, and take responsibilities in my and other lifes... I had no choice in anything I had to do, everything was forced on me and I had to just go along with it. And that is what I am doing right now, I am going along with everything, except I have choice in everything I do, and it is not always right choices. And I never learn from it... I see world differently, I see reality like it is fake and do not exist. That is how I see it... People think I am just foreign so sometimes it's hard for me understand stuff but it is not true; the world for me is different, I might see different colours than you, I might see something that you cannot see and I don't care how weird it sounds because that is how I am.. Its me and I am proud to be me and nobody else. I have violent thoughts yet I would never make them real. I dream the most messed up dreams and most normal dreams each night and remember it the next morning... It seems so real that I can't sort them from what I call reality, I don't even know what is real. I daydream so hardcore that sometimes it looks like it just happened.. I talk to myself all the time. I mean it, all freaking time. I talk to them as they are real, I don't know people or not people. My life have never been so vivid and 3D, more like my virtual world is mixing with my reality and I cannot comprehend that anymore so I think anything I think of and everything I actually experience is real. I am paranoid as fuck all day everyday, but I am so used to it that I don;t even notice it. I might have phsychic abilities, because I have sharp 6th sense and sometimes I dream about things or think about it before it happens, even though it is pretty rare for me.  So in conclusion I had and have pretty stressful life, so anything that I do is unpredictable... and the fearful thing is, I enjoy it too much..

This is me, Dove!

(I am going to open myself to the world)

New Year Resolutions

1. To be a better person

2. Take care of myself, as skin, body, mind and soul.

3. Be productive

4. To be brave 

5. Express myself

6. Make myself do things

7. Have a lot of patience

8. Look like Zooey D.

9. Get a lot of CD's for my personal collection 

10. Achieve good marks. 

Wish list

presents.

Multivitamins - gummy 

Body butter

Shot

Watermelon lip balm 

Hand cream, nail file
20 bucks in Walmart   

temporary mustache tattoos

 cute kitty and vintage boxy <3 p="p">

 this deer that I using for my necklace

 and a bottle stopper
(well I have a shot and this, now all I need is the bottle)

SJP NYC perfume <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

fake realities.

Once I was a girl with naive perspective of world. I was happy then.
Now I am not. I see reality. It hurts.