4 days without FaceBook and I feel like a new person...

maybe I should be locked up in coocoo house...

So I will start from simple things and continue to more difficult. I can't concentrate in classes, I listen, but after bell rings I forget everything. Last year I had such a good memory. It seems like I am completely different person. Then I try to do my homework but when I come home I never complete them, I just can't touch books anymore, I become inpatient and frustrated if I try to do homework, my heart beats harder and each time I experience this I get scared of doing homework, like a fear or phobia. Then I have no motivation about anything, I can't find happiness or joy in anything I do anymore. Even animals, the only thing I was so passionate about, no longer is my biggest interest. I am anxious and depressed, I am very dependent on other people but at the same time I am very avoidant. I can't keep any relationship going, neither with significant other or friends. Everyone pushes me away, everyone just keeps their own business and lives their life. But how about me? How can I feel belonged somewhere if no one will accept me... It seems like everyone already created their lifes and I am too late to enter any other persons life... I hate people at the same time because they are cruel, but I can't go without them either, I want to be isolated but still go out... I am so confused. I also don't want to live, I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself. I would be happy to just disappear. I also believe in stuff that creeps other people, my own old friends judges me for how I chose to live and what I do and etc. I just don't see point anymore in trying.. I don't feel belonged in my own family either. It looks like no one understands either.
I am supper paranoid too, I though I might have paranoid schizophrenia but it's more likely I have anxiety and depression problems... I also thought I might be bipolar but I am not an angry person. I get irritated by others badly, but not angry, I have good control in keeping the anger inside. Also if I start facing any drama or argument or other people trying to tell me their problems I run away, literally I walk away, I can't handle it. And I always said I see things differently, I feel everything differently, I live in different world and since it's different world, I feel lonely, because I am alone in it. NO one understands how I feel.. I can't explain myself properly either. I always have two or multiple opinions about everything. My speech becomes more and more disorganized, more unclear, it's harder for me to explain simple things. And I am organizer, I am a freak of organizing things, so when I cannot think organized I get frustrated and I get mental break downs, I cannot handle it. I have sleep disturbances, such as, sleep paralysis, night terrors, maybe lucid dreaming and etc. I have it at least once twice a month, and I don't sleep a lot. 6h sleep is my normal sleep dose, I can be completely fine if I sleep 4h, sometimes 2h sleep will be fine too. I don't require too much anymore. I don't follow normal hygiene routine either. I don't shower sometimes for 3 days and don't brush my teeth either.. Some people say oh it's fine, it's normal, nothing to worry about. But they have no idea how difficult it is for me... Simple things for me looks like the most difficult tasks...
Plus I love attention, I do crazy stuff such as going insane with friends and so on but sometimes I hate attention... Like it looks everything double with me, but I know I don't have multiple personality disorder because my personality never changes, just the thoughts and ideas. I like to plan stuff ahead but don't do anything at the moment to achieve it. Like I always look up what my mark should be in grade 12 to get into university but I do nothing to improve my current one. I am just exhausted by all this confusing stuff in my head.. I want it to end.. I expect that psychologist will help me, that medication will change everything, but I know it's not true, I have to also help myself, but I do not know how.. I just can't function in life by myself, I need someone by my side to guide me..

I am who I am, yet not real!

Reality is not real, presence is not present, humanity is not human... Absolutely nothing seems real for me, no matter how much I say it or try to justify, it is still not real. Even rereading my own blog I feel like I am reading someones else. Like my body and soul exists, lives here and now, but my mind seems so distant that I can clearly see myself living and throwing away my life in front of myself. Literally I can visualize it so good that it looks like the only real thing in the world. I don't feel emotions the same way, I have sharp senses, but at the same time I don't feel anything; seems like another me in me. I am numb to the world, yet I absorb each emotion form others (mostly pain) and I can feel it as it is happening to me, even though I have never interfered with that kind of situation.
I have inappropriate reactions to certain situations such as laughing excessively  about having a mental illness or death. I can honestly say I am numb to death. I don't find the idea of death that terrifying anymore, more like it became my every day conversation keeper. Or demons, Satan. I don't worship it, but I find it funny to talk about and I get these urges to see demons, to be possessed and go through that horrible fear... I have been such a fan of horror, but never as much as now. I am so close to open myself and let it in...
And to demonstrate how my thoughts changes, I just came to an idea that it's musics and medias fault that I think that way, it is just trying to corrupt me and go to the dark side, and yes, I am letting it to take me there, cause it's more interesting and fun! Yet I still have that angel that is telling me it is wrong. But what is not wrong in this world...
Since I mentioned media, I do not like it. I don't watch TV, news, don't listen to radio because I fear that they will steal my thoughts and implant ideas in my head. All I can go with is internet, even then I try not to read much on internet, just like the social networks and etc. And MUSIC. Music is such a high priority in my life that I cannot go a day without it. I start shaking and I feel uncomfortable if I can't listen to music for long.
Once again, I enjoy all this messed up crap too much..