I am not getting this

One step forward, two steps back.

Satanism and me

I have been watching myself and observing each action. I notice how slowly my mind and thinking develops through out a year, then a month, even a day. Since I was a little child I was completely devoted to my interests for spirits, horror movies, supernatural/paranormal happenings, aliens, etc. It happened for a reason; I was born to follow my own beliefs, I was born to accept human nature, love animals and agree with most of the Satanic Bible. I see nothing wrong with being an individualist and I have no shame to open human eyes to a whole new perspectives.
Later in my life, I was more and more interested in things I listed above, I loved to talk about it, I enjoyed to listen other people stories. I started drawing these "evil", yet so beautiful creatures. I was in progress of realizing that I was born to think the way I think now. I freed my mind form corrupted society. I have become open minded and anti-judgmental. I have learned to accept the world and people the way they are. It was a complicated process, but I learned.
Satanism is all about you, connecting to nature and using magic for your own good, yet being respectful to others and not bothering them if they have no interests in talking to you. It is human nature to have carnal desires and lust for other people; human is nature. I am proud that I have enough guts to talk about it publicly; I completely understand that people are naturally judgmental and do not understand other views because they are so controlled by society that they do not see differently. It is a long process in figuring out what you are and what you want form life. I am so close to figuring it out. I am proud to have open mind. I am proud to be born as a Satanist.

4 days without FaceBook and I feel like a new person...

maybe I should be locked up in coocoo house...

So I will start from simple things and continue to more difficult. I can't concentrate in classes, I listen, but after bell rings I forget everything. Last year I had such a good memory. It seems like I am completely different person. Then I try to do my homework but when I come home I never complete them, I just can't touch books anymore, I become inpatient and frustrated if I try to do homework, my heart beats harder and each time I experience this I get scared of doing homework, like a fear or phobia. Then I have no motivation about anything, I can't find happiness or joy in anything I do anymore. Even animals, the only thing I was so passionate about, no longer is my biggest interest. I am anxious and depressed, I am very dependent on other people but at the same time I am very avoidant. I can't keep any relationship going, neither with significant other or friends. Everyone pushes me away, everyone just keeps their own business and lives their life. But how about me? How can I feel belonged somewhere if no one will accept me... It seems like everyone already created their lifes and I am too late to enter any other persons life... I hate people at the same time because they are cruel, but I can't go without them either, I want to be isolated but still go out... I am so confused. I also don't want to live, I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself. I would be happy to just disappear. I also believe in stuff that creeps other people, my own old friends judges me for how I chose to live and what I do and etc. I just don't see point anymore in trying.. I don't feel belonged in my own family either. It looks like no one understands either.
I am supper paranoid too, I though I might have paranoid schizophrenia but it's more likely I have anxiety and depression problems... I also thought I might be bipolar but I am not an angry person. I get irritated by others badly, but not angry, I have good control in keeping the anger inside. Also if I start facing any drama or argument or other people trying to tell me their problems I run away, literally I walk away, I can't handle it. And I always said I see things differently, I feel everything differently, I live in different world and since it's different world, I feel lonely, because I am alone in it. NO one understands how I feel.. I can't explain myself properly either. I always have two or multiple opinions about everything. My speech becomes more and more disorganized, more unclear, it's harder for me to explain simple things. And I am organizer, I am a freak of organizing things, so when I cannot think organized I get frustrated and I get mental break downs, I cannot handle it. I have sleep disturbances, such as, sleep paralysis, night terrors, maybe lucid dreaming and etc. I have it at least once twice a month, and I don't sleep a lot. 6h sleep is my normal sleep dose, I can be completely fine if I sleep 4h, sometimes 2h sleep will be fine too. I don't require too much anymore. I don't follow normal hygiene routine either. I don't shower sometimes for 3 days and don't brush my teeth either.. Some people say oh it's fine, it's normal, nothing to worry about. But they have no idea how difficult it is for me... Simple things for me looks like the most difficult tasks...
Plus I love attention, I do crazy stuff such as going insane with friends and so on but sometimes I hate attention... Like it looks everything double with me, but I know I don't have multiple personality disorder because my personality never changes, just the thoughts and ideas. I like to plan stuff ahead but don't do anything at the moment to achieve it. Like I always look up what my mark should be in grade 12 to get into university but I do nothing to improve my current one. I am just exhausted by all this confusing stuff in my head.. I want it to end.. I expect that psychologist will help me, that medication will change everything, but I know it's not true, I have to also help myself, but I do not know how.. I just can't function in life by myself, I need someone by my side to guide me..

I am who I am, yet not real!

Reality is not real, presence is not present, humanity is not human... Absolutely nothing seems real for me, no matter how much I say it or try to justify, it is still not real. Even rereading my own blog I feel like I am reading someones else. Like my body and soul exists, lives here and now, but my mind seems so distant that I can clearly see myself living and throwing away my life in front of myself. Literally I can visualize it so good that it looks like the only real thing in the world. I don't feel emotions the same way, I have sharp senses, but at the same time I don't feel anything; seems like another me in me. I am numb to the world, yet I absorb each emotion form others (mostly pain) and I can feel it as it is happening to me, even though I have never interfered with that kind of situation.
I have inappropriate reactions to certain situations such as laughing excessively  about having a mental illness or death. I can honestly say I am numb to death. I don't find the idea of death that terrifying anymore, more like it became my every day conversation keeper. Or demons, Satan. I don't worship it, but I find it funny to talk about and I get these urges to see demons, to be possessed and go through that horrible fear... I have been such a fan of horror, but never as much as now. I am so close to open myself and let it in...
And to demonstrate how my thoughts changes, I just came to an idea that it's musics and medias fault that I think that way, it is just trying to corrupt me and go to the dark side, and yes, I am letting it to take me there, cause it's more interesting and fun! Yet I still have that angel that is telling me it is wrong. But what is not wrong in this world...
Since I mentioned media, I do not like it. I don't watch TV, news, don't listen to radio because I fear that they will steal my thoughts and implant ideas in my head. All I can go with is internet, even then I try not to read much on internet, just like the social networks and etc. And MUSIC. Music is such a high priority in my life that I cannot go a day without it. I start shaking and I feel uncomfortable if I can't listen to music for long.
Once again, I enjoy all this messed up crap too much..

don't talk about me without my permission

Hi, I am Dove, well Dovile is my full name... Honestly, friends that I had before doesn't know me at all, and friends that I have right now knows me too much, yet probably not at all... I am not two faced, I don't lie, I am just messed up in a head badly. I can look at it as a good thing, it makes me be me; makes me be special in my own way. I tend to freak out about things I interact with the first time, I tend to seem judgmental, but honestly, I deeply don't give a shit and I don't care how someone lives, it's you own fucking life! I tend to exaggerated everything and at the same time look at it like it's nothing... I always have two or even multiple opinions about every single theme I talk about. I have been through so much which made me how I am right now, even if I say I had and have boring life and nothing actually bad happened to me, I don't mean it, or more like I don't understand that I have been through it at all... I think I am special, but at the same time like nothing in this world... All I am interested about is something that, according to "normal" society do not exist. NOTHING is normal haha! To most people I seem freaky, weird, mentally crazy, but that's how I am shitheads! That's how I live... If you don't like that, I don't care, just don't talk to me then, I have friends who accept me for who I am. And even now, this says nothing how I really am. It's hard to describe how I see world, it would be amazing if someone who does not understand me would just be me for one day and realize that it's awesome to feel how I feel, yet it's depressing and exhausting; it's exhausting to be me, go through same shit each day and feel like it 24/7. But I got used to it. So if you think you can handle me, you are wrong.. It is hard for me to deal with myself, and mostly I can't handle it. When I experience manic attack and go from being frustrated to being completely anxious to horribly paranoid, to finally like out of this world, that is when I can't handle myself and my mind. I stopped caring too much about others who does not care about me, and I am not telling a lie, because there is another side to this, such as, I care about everything all the time, I feel all emotions, yet I can feel none. And that is how I live everyday. I don't have patience with most of the things, I have irritating OCD's and I always think there is something wrong with me. And don't tell me there isn't, because I will not change my beliefs, even if I say it makes sense. I can agree and disagree with everything at the same time, cause I am complete center in everything. People say there is no center between the left wing and the right wing, the left brain thinkers, and right brain thinkers. Well guess what, I am center... I don't like when people say I am completely normal, and it is just a teenager phase or what ever.. IT IS NOT, you dumbass! I felt like this form my early child days, I had to grow up early, and take responsibilities in my and other lifes... I had no choice in anything I had to do, everything was forced on me and I had to just go along with it. And that is what I am doing right now, I am going along with everything, except I have choice in everything I do, and it is not always right choices. And I never learn from it... I see world differently, I see reality like it is fake and do not exist. That is how I see it... People think I am just foreign so sometimes it's hard for me understand stuff but it is not true; the world for me is different, I might see different colours than you, I might see something that you cannot see and I don't care how weird it sounds because that is how I am.. Its me and I am proud to be me and nobody else. I have violent thoughts yet I would never make them real. I dream the most messed up dreams and most normal dreams each night and remember it the next morning... It seems so real that I can't sort them from what I call reality, I don't even know what is real. I daydream so hardcore that sometimes it looks like it just happened.. I talk to myself all the time. I mean it, all freaking time. I talk to them as they are real, I don't know people or not people. My life have never been so vivid and 3D, more like my virtual world is mixing with my reality and I cannot comprehend that anymore so I think anything I think of and everything I actually experience is real. I am paranoid as fuck all day everyday, but I am so used to it that I don;t even notice it. I might have phsychic abilities, because I have sharp 6th sense and sometimes I dream about things or think about it before it happens, even though it is pretty rare for me.  So in conclusion I had and have pretty stressful life, so anything that I do is unpredictable... and the fearful thing is, I enjoy it too much..

This is me, Dove!

(I am going to open myself to the world)